Philadelphia's Smoking Ban And Me: A Letter To Mayor John Street And Councilman Michael Nutter

Dear Mayor Street And Councilman Nutter:

I am a lifelong Philadelphian who is writing to the two of you about the recent legislation the two of you helped pass which has eliminated smoking at bars and taverns in our fine city.

I understand your decision to do so as it allows non-smokers and bar employees to not suffer the dire ramifications of secondhand smoke. In addition, many people hate coming home from a night out reeking of cigarette smoke. Helping these people is a good thing.

But while I understand your decision, I do not applaud your decision.

You see, Mr. fancypants Mayor and Councilman, when I was nine years old, I discovered I had a unique talent. At that young age, I was at one of my uncle's poker games, and one of his buddies took down my pants and shoved a cigarette into my anus.

"DANCE" my uncles and his buddies yelled, so I did, dancing away, shaking my tender heiny as the cigarette butt whittled away in my rectum.

I have been doing this stunt for years. When I turned 21, I was finally able to do it for bar patrons throughout our great city.

Nearly 30% of last year's income came from when I would randomnly show up to bars to show off my famous trick.

"Hey, does anyone want to see me smoke a cigarette out of my asshole," I'd ask whenever I'd go into a bar. No matter what people said, I'd hop up on the bar and stick a cigarette into my ass while it puffed away, holding out an upside-down mesh hat for people to contribute money to me.

While you may have made some of your constituency happy with your decision to ban smoking, you've taken away both my livelihood and dignity in the process.

I hope you reconsider your smoking ban in Philadelphia pubs and bars. Maybe I'll go to your next council meeting and show you what Philadelphia drinkers are now missing.

Sincerely,
Gregg
Philadelphia's #1 Anus Cigarette Smoker