Sunday, February 25, 2007

UCB Theater

Hey ya'll, I'm doing something at the UCB Thetear again at the one year anniversary of the fantastic NIGHTS OF OUR LIVES show my brother does. Come on out!

26th St., Chelsea, NY NY.
9:30 p.m. on WEDNESDAY!

My debut at this night was the time that I realized that I really wanted to do comedy as a hobby. It definitely got my ass in gear. From there, I started doing things here in Philly and started meeting some cool folks. And now I'm in a sketch comedy group AND am also hosting my own rip-off of Nights of Our Lives down here. Pretty kooky turn of events.

Come on out everyone!

Wednesday, February 14, 2007


I'm hosting a night in Philly of people telling their favorite poop stories.

SHUBIN THEATER (4th and Bainbridge)
8 p.m.

Spread the word! if you have any questions or you want to participate.

Tuesday, February 13, 2007

White Tuesday

My night class was cancelled tonight and we got sent home from work early from the snow/ice story which hit Philly today. We weren't supposed to get hit with much, but by the afternoon we already got a few inches of snow which was supposed to continue through the night. It brought to mind one of the scarier days of my high school years. (And maybe, if my friends George, Jeff or Josh read this they can put in their own testimonials if they remember it.)

As I've said countless times, West Orange is located on a hill. The high school was located on top of the hill. Half the town lived on the bottom of the hill, meaning we rode buses to school. To get up the hill, one had to drive up one of three primary roads: Northfield Avenue, Mt. Pleasant Avenue or Eagle Rock Avenue. These roads are rather steep for New Jersey, and at the apex of all three one can get a skyline view of Manhattan. Accidents galore happen on all three of these roads (and I-280, which also cuts through town.) By far, the most treacherous is Eagle Rock Avenue, which I lived right off of. Eagle Rock was probably the busiest road in town, and it also winds and twists in a series of "S" shaped curves. It's a thoroughly insane road.

The storm which rolled into town was supposed to come that Tuesday evening. But it started snowing earlier and heavier than predicted. The snow was so bad, officials decided to close the school down a few hours earlier than the usual 12:30 close time. The announcement was made over the loudspeaker and everyone celebrated and left.

We went outside to the bus line only to find... there were no school buses in sight for those of us who lived down-the-hill. None of them could make it up any of the aforementioned streets. We were ushered back inside and told to wait patiently for the buses to arrive.

We waited. And waited. And waited. Periodically, an announcement was made over the loudspeaker for us to remain in a classroom, that the buses would arrive shortly. Soon, the official end of school passed. We kept on waiting. And waiting. And waiting.

Before the traditional end-of-the-day came, a Lord of the Flies type of situation was devolving in our school. There was no school, but we were forced to be in it. Kids walked around in large groups and just did whatever they wanted -- knocking over garbage cans, vandalizing anything in sight, trying to start fights, etc. Just an ugly atmosphere (that I probably contributed in by doing some petty vandalism myself.) The teachers started to leave as quickly as they could. The cafeteria was closed so there was no food. It was just as awful a situation as you could think -- being stuck at school, surrounded largely by troublemakers, with absolutely no clue when you could get home.

Eventually, I met up with my friends Kris and George, both of whom lived in my neighborhood. George's mom was working as a substitute teacher at the grammar school across the street. George found out she was still stuck at work so we beelined out of our school -- the best bet for our safety -- and found her, as she had to wait for her elementary school kids to get picked up.

We had to wait for hours, and we raided their small boxes of raising and boxed apple juice for nourishment. And then finally we could leave.

We left at 6, abot 6 hours after school was supposed to come to an end. It took us an hour to get home, when the trip would usually last about 5-10 minutes. Kids from the school were just leaving in droves to walk home in the snowstorm, down the steep hill in really awful weather. George's mom got stuck a few times driving and we had to get out and push.

Just another crazy day in West Orange.

The Worst Movie I Have Ever Seen In A Theater

Stealing this from MY BROTHER.

5. I AM SAM -- Sean Penn plays a retarded guy who fucks a homeless woman and becomes a father. I am supposed to believe that he is capable of steering a child through childhood, despite his glaring mental handicap, all because he loves Beatles songs. I am also supposed to believe Sean Penn is the greatest actor who has ever lived, since he chooses "challenging" roles and transparently throws himself into these characters and guns for awards and Oscars every step of the way. Diane Wiest is completely hatable as the braindead do-gooder next door. Awful, awful, awful. (Making matters worst, I was supposed to see Gosford Park but the theater mislabelled the movie. I could have gotten a free ticket but chose to see this crap.)

4. PAY IT FORWARD -- I debated at times watching this Lifetime dreck whether or not to jab a straw through my eye socket. Haley Joel Osment should only stick to playing foster children diagnosed with AIDS on Walker, Texas Ranger.

3. MEET THE FRIEDMANS -- Technically an actually very well-done documentary. But I still hoped to get struck by lightning due to the creepiness and sliminess of this thing. I showered for hours afterwards.

2. COYOTE UGLY -- An abortion from the beginning. A cross-promotional advertisement designed to get teenage girls to act like whores at chain bars. Complete with a hit soundtrack. Just brutal.

1. LITTLE MAN -- A CGI midget pretends to be a baby who rapes the woman caring for him for one weekend.

My brother's #1 pick of Black Knight did not make the list, although I sat next to him while watching it. Just did this to be a bit of a contrarian, I think I need to Netflix it to see how brutal it is again.

Upcoming Comedy Gigs

Hey everyone. I've been working on a really awesome new project the past few weeks. And it's about to see the light of day. What is this, you ask?

It is called The Sixth Borough, and it is a sketch comedy troupe that I have joined. And we'll be doing our first sketch ever in public next week.

55 S. 2nd St. Philly. (Like you don't know.)
8:30 p.m.

Die Actor Die is, in my not-so-humble opinion, the best comedy night in Philly. It's a real loose affair. Stand-up, storytelling, bands, sketch comedy, etc. It's a whole lot of everything thrown together. So even if we suck it will still be a good time.

But that's not all!

The Sixth Borough will be having its first two official shows on March 23 and 24 at Connie's Ric Rac on 9th St. between Washington and Federal in the Italian Market. I don't think we have a time booked yet.

Our gimmick is simple. Our sketches all revolve around life in Philadelphia.

Working on this show has been a blast so far. I can't believe that I'm actually going to, gulp, act on a stage in front of people and everything. I also wrote a few skits that we're doing. I'm totally excited for all of this.


Sunday, February 11, 2007

The French Connection

How is it that I have gone 29 years as both a film nerd and as a geek for nearly all police procedural things without watching The French Connection until now?

Damn, what an awesome movie. Gene Hackman's character is great. The self-destructive obsessive cop is my favorite archtype and Doyle is the best one yet. Even better than Jimmy McNulty on The Wire, which shocks even me that I would say something that damning.

I'm going to try to get in a car chase that awesome tomorrow.

Wednesday, February 07, 2007

Watch The Knights Of Prosperity Tonight

Hey, that's the show with Donald Logue where it's about a group of losers who decide to rob Mick Jagger. People *LOVE* that show. I haven't gotten a chance to watch it yet, but people say it's kinda like Arrested Development meets My Name Is Earl.

Anyways, my brother has a decent sized role on it tonight. Watch it! ABC, 8:30.

Tuesday, February 06, 2007

Cans Up: A Political Movement

In recent months, an emphsasis has been placed on the detrimental impact that climate change and global warming can have on our environment. Politicians and legislators are coming up with ways to fight the effects that global warming will cause.

I have one question for people concerned about this issue: don't you realize how fucking cold it is outside?

I mean, seriously, it's six degrees today in Philadelphia. SIX DEGREES. This meants that we're just a few ticks away from not having any temperature at all. The city is literally jailing people who usually sleep outside.

And we want to reverse this? Seriously?

Not me. I am now officially launching the CANS UP pro-global warming movement. For one hour a day, I will spray an aerosol can in hopes to cause irreversible environmental harm. Because, seriously, that's a lot better than having a normal weather pattern where it's like this all winter long.

Won't you join me?

Sunday, February 04, 2007

Moon Unit Zappa's Wikipedia Hilariousness


This was inspired by my brother's last blog entry, about his hatred of some turd who was on the last episode of Real World: Denver. In this entry, my brother references how he hates this person even more than he hates Ahmet Zappa.

I, too, hate the Zappa progeny. This led me to the wiki for Moon Unit Zapa which led me to the following entry, which is absolutely classic.

She is the author of the novel America, the Beautiful, which was published by Touchstone on September 11, 2001 (ISBN 0-7432-1383-1). The semi-autobiographical novel features a protagonist named "America Throne" and was overshadowed by the events of 9/11.

Out of all of the tragedies which fell on that day of infamy, this is the greatest. Never forget.

Snow Tubing

I went yesterday w/ The Wife on a class trip she was chaperoning to the Bear Mountain Ski Resort, the closest ski resort to Philly. It's probably about an hour away.

The thought of me skiing or snowboarding was one that was certainly unentertainable. But this ski resort also has a "snow tubing" course which looked right up my alley.

Snow tubing is a simple concept. You get a tube, get brought up a hill on a conveyor belt, and then you ride down a hill at an uncontrollably fast speed while laying face down on your tube.

Now, the half-lit teenagers who are the supervisors of the snow tubing facility were mumbling something about "using for feet as breaks." I thought this was short for "using your feet for breaks is a sign that you're a major pussy." I went down this entire course without using my feet as a break once. The hill has a few different incline/plateus on it and on both the second and third plateau, I literally flew threw the air. I mean, on the third plateau, I was a few feet above the ground and has absolutely no control over what direction my body was headed in.

I just assumed that when you got to the bottom of the hill, there'd be enough ground to come to a total stop. Well, wek now what happens when I assume anything. I slowly started coming to the end of the course, indicated by giant bundles of hay and a blue plastic fence. These were getting closer and closer, and I was not slowing down at all. Finally, I realized that, fuck, I was going to go crashing into this shit.

Right when that thought reached my brain, one of the teenagers in charge of this operation came to the same conclusion and screamed out "Holy shit."

I then went crashing into the fence and hay. my face directly hit this fence but I guess I got my hands up enough because I didn't get a cut or scrape on me. I do, however, have a series of bruises on the right side of my body, with major sore points at my knee, hip, ribs and elbow.

Of course, I went down the hill about nine more times. No more accidents, however.

* I had the oddest run in ever at this place, literally bumping into my friend Jason from freshman year of college before he went to Evergreen, that hippie/indie rocker school in Olympia. We've kept in touch since then. He lives in Brooklyn now, so finding him at this place was completely odd. We got lunch, caught up and babblebabble.

* I also nearly got into a fight with a pre-teen. We were inside the ski-lodge when this little brat came up to me with a little cream container in his mouth. He said "Watch this" and then smashed the cream container in his mouth. Then this kid started tormenting this grown woman.

"Yeaaaaaaah! Yeaaaaaaaah! I bet you can't do nothin' like that! Yeaaaaaaaaah!"

This woman looked at this kid like she wanted to beat him. Then he turned to me.

"Yo, man. You ski or snowboard?" I told him I do neither. "Ohhh, one of those, huh?" and he made a limp-wrist gesture. I then told him that was funny and helt my arm out like I was going to give him a fist pound. When he obliged, I took my hand away.

"Sorry, man. Can't let you touch me." He then started dancing in front of me going "Yeah man, you're real cool, dude. You can't even snowboard, man."

Then The Wife said to him "Nice snowsuit." He was wearing this ridiculous snowsuit that looked like newspapers.

"Yeah, you're cool. NOT," and then he pranced off.

Friday, February 02, 2007

Dear Ticketmaster

Even though you have given me an order to do so, I think I will miss Ratdog.

Thursday, February 01, 2007

Two Things

1) I highly suggest that you go to yahoo and type in chiggers and then hit images. The strangest, most bizarre collection of websites pops up. All of the pictures are completely horrifying. It reminds me of "Germany's Most Terrifying Home Movies" from Sprockets.

2) Thinking some more about the Aqua Teen saga... I know a lot of people think that the city/state government in Boston overreacted, and that this is life in Bush's America... but I'd rather have a government that overreacted to a mysterious package that was actually a media prank than a government that underreacted to a media prank that was actually a mysterious package.

And as much as I love the dudes who put these things up... someone needs to get in trouble for this. Because if no one gets in a lot of trouble for this, that's a really bad precedence. A) A lot of dumbasses are going to try the same kinds of things at cities across the country, since they see the free PR these guys got. B) The next time there is a suspicious package placed on a key piece of infrastructure, the first responders who have to go to these things might not be so quick or alert, presuming it'a s joke, and a lot of reaaaaly bad shit could happen. Seriously, why wouldn't some sort of terrorist now make a bomb that looks like SpongeBob or something? Or make like 45 things that looked completely innocent except for the one that is actually a bomb that blows up a corridor Penn Station?

The Boston Globe is reporting that the dude with the dreadlocks asked the marketing company behind all of this what to do when Boston was going under lock down. And the company told him to keep what was going on on the DL and didn't disclose what they did until a few hours after the fact.

Now that makes a lot more sense. The dude who put these up starts freaking out, but he doesn't know what to do.

That also probably explains their attitude at the press conference. Their lawyer, who I initially thought was a dipshit for letting his clients hang themselves in front of a potential jury pool, probably already has someone in the works for these guys and wants them to get some free publicity out of the thing. Punishing those two proves nothing, the real people who should get in trouble are the marketing company/Turner folks who let this thing go on. And the DA knows this and a flip or whatever is only seconds away.

Plus, I doubt those two have any loyalty to the marketing company. I read somewhere (too lazy to look it up) that they only got paid $300 for all of this. My loyalty couldn't even be bought for that much.

I just hope there's a way these guys could get a few more TV appearances.

I just want to talk about hair care


This is the full version of the thoroughly insane and brilliant press conference by the two art students who got arrested for the whole Aqua Teen Hunger Force Bomb Scare which pretty much shut down Boston yesterday.

Their remarks are pretty awesome, talking non-stop about hair care of previous decades. All while their attorney stands next to them. These guys are allright by me.

While I appreciate anyone who creates a public spectacle of this magnitude, that lawyer should get disbarred. I mean, these dudes are facing a shitload of serious FELONY charges. As it stands now, they're eventually going to have to stand before a trial jury. A jury made up of people who got stuck in a shitload of traffic because of a stupid marketing ploy gone awry. Doing an Andy Kaufmann stunt to this same audience isn't the best legal strategy I've ever heard of. I mean, it's hilarious to me and probably you. But probably not to my mom and dad. But it's not my life and/or freedom at risk, so I'll just sit back and enjoy. I hope they have some more media appearances.
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