Tuesday, February 13, 2007

The Worst Movie I Have Ever Seen In A Theater

Stealing this from MY BROTHER.

5. I AM SAM -- Sean Penn plays a retarded guy who fucks a homeless woman and becomes a father. I am supposed to believe that he is capable of steering a child through childhood, despite his glaring mental handicap, all because he loves Beatles songs. I am also supposed to believe Sean Penn is the greatest actor who has ever lived, since he chooses "challenging" roles and transparently throws himself into these characters and guns for awards and Oscars every step of the way. Diane Wiest is completely hatable as the braindead do-gooder next door. Awful, awful, awful. (Making matters worst, I was supposed to see Gosford Park but the theater mislabelled the movie. I could have gotten a free ticket but chose to see this crap.)

4. PAY IT FORWARD -- I debated at times watching this Lifetime dreck whether or not to jab a straw through my eye socket. Haley Joel Osment should only stick to playing foster children diagnosed with AIDS on Walker, Texas Ranger.

3. MEET THE FRIEDMANS -- Technically an actually very well-done documentary. But I still hoped to get struck by lightning due to the creepiness and sliminess of this thing. I showered for hours afterwards.

2. COYOTE UGLY -- An abortion from the beginning. A cross-promotional advertisement designed to get teenage girls to act like whores at chain bars. Complete with a hit soundtrack. Just brutal.

1. LITTLE MAN -- A CGI midget pretends to be a baby who rapes the woman caring for him for one weekend.

My brother's #1 pick of Black Knight did not make the list, although I sat next to him while watching it. Just did this to be a bit of a contrarian, I think I need to Netflix it to see how brutal it is again.


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